Dear Gramma,
I can’t do this anymore. It’s too hard. I can’t let you down anymore. I’m sorry for everything. I feel horrible for all that I’ve done. I’ve hurt you so much. You’ve been nothing but nice to me. I’ve treated you horribly. I’ve hurt you, upset you, embarrassed you, everything in between.
I’ve stayed out of drugs, I haven’t drank alcohol, I’ve never touched a cigarette, I’ve never been to a party, I’ve never had a boyfriend… I’ve never even held hands with anyone. I’m trying, for you. People make fun of me, they harass me, they tease me, they bully me, but I stand up because I know better. I know better than to get myself killed. I know how much that would hurt you.
I don’t apologize to you because I just can’t. It’s so difficult to see you in pain and know that I caused it so I shut down. I don’t hug you because I feel that I don’t deserve the other half. I don’t deserve that, but you do and I’m sorry that you feel as if I don’t appreciate you enough, but I do. I do so much that you don’t even know.
I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for you. I’ve battled self-harm for over six years and you’re the one that stopped me. I’ve been 41 days clean. I know that’s not enough, but I’m trying. It takes a lot not to relapse. I want to so badly every time I look at you because I know that I deserve to hurt as much as you.
Anyways, I have to end this early, I’ll say more soon.
Love Forever, M
Chasing Paper Sparrows 