10.12.13 – Grandmother

Dear Gramma,

I can’t do this anymore. It’s too hard. I can’t let you down anymore. I’m sorry for everything. I feel horrible for all that I’ve done. I’ve hurt you so much. You’ve been nothing but nice to me. I’ve treated you horribly. I’ve hurt you, upset you, embarrassed you, everything in between.

I’ve stayed out of drugs, I haven’t drank alcohol, I’ve never touched a cigarette, I’ve never been to a party, I’ve never had a boyfriend… I’ve never even held hands with anyone. I’m trying, for you. People make fun of me, they harass me, they tease me, they bully me, but I stand up because I know better. I know better than to get myself killed. I know how much that would hurt you.

I don’t apologize to you because I just can’t. It’s so difficult to see you in pain and know that I caused it so I shut down. I don’t hug you because I feel that I don’t deserve the other half. I don’t deserve that, but you do and I’m sorry that you feel as if I don’t appreciate you enough, but I do. I do so much that you don’t even know.

I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for you. I’ve battled self-harm for over six years and you’re the one that stopped me. I’ve been 41 days clean. I know that’s not enough, but I’m trying. It takes a lot not to relapse. I want to so badly every time I look at you because I know that I deserve to hurt as much as you.

Anyways, I have to end this early, I’ll say more soon.

Love Forever, M

8.12.13 – Grandmother

Dear Gramma,

You’ve been hurting for the past week. You worked very hard on cleaning the garage, something I feel awful about not helping with. Every time you mentioned it, I wanted to say that I was proud of you, but I didn’t. The words just couldn’t escape my mouth.

You did a wonderful job cleaning the garage. I’m so proud of you! I really appreciate it also! It will make it easier for you, and that’s all I care about.

This weekend, you also let me have a friend over. I know you didn’t want to, but you did and it was amazing. It made me so happy. Thank you so much!

Love Forever, M

29.11.13 – Grandmother

Dear Gramma,

Yesterday was Thanksgiving… I’m thankful for you and all the amazing things you have done for me. I’m thankful for waking up to mornings of hot breakfast and warm greetings, because without them, I wouldn’t get out of bed. I’m thankful for the times you pick me up from school and ask me how my day was, because it makes me feel like someone actually cares. I’m thankful that you’re here for me 24/7, even if I think you aren’t. I’m thankful for the days when we talk for hours on end, just so you know I’m okay…. 

Last night, I cried for the longest time. I feel horrible that I’ve never told you these things… this is why I’m writing these letters. I’m thankful that I’m able to express myself through writing, because without it, you would never know how I really feel.

I love you, Gramma… and I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, because you deserved it. Thank you for all your hard work, patience, and love yesterday. It was much appreciated.

Love Forever, M

11.26.13 – Grandmother

Dear Gramma,

I know you’re upset with me. I apologize for any wrong I have done. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Today, you bought me a coffee. I didn’t say thank you loud enough. It sounded like I didn’t mean it… but, I did. It was really sweet and kind to go out of your way to make my day a little more special. I love you for that. Today, I realized how much it hurts. I leave you alone almost everyday… I’m sorry. I pass up amazing opportunities with someone so special for something that will be there until I die. I have my whole life to listen to the music that calms me, but I will only have a certain amount of time with the person that loves me. I’m sorry I don’t appreciate you enough.

Love Forever, M

11.24.13 – Grandmother

Dear Gramma,

I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused you. You don’t deserve to suffer from such a burden. I apologize for treating you so roughly. You are the only one I have and I shouldn’t abuse that honor. I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and soul. You are what keeps me alive, what keeps me stable. I’m sorry for everything under the stars.

Love Forever, M

Old Wooden Ties

She hears the train thud along the tracks, awaiting arrival. Slowly looking around, her heart begins to pulse harder. Right foot over left, she steps down to the old wooden ties rising just a few inches off the ground. The train light blinds and the whistle sounds. She spreads her arms much like a sparrow’s wings. Only sixteen, her life was taken. Tragedy struck as every boxcar trampled her one by one, like the harsh words piercing her soul everyday…